The Bittersweet Unknown| Visual Presencing Program Hangzhou 2017
What have changed within me? - I think I got mended.
To take part in this program, I started out the crowdfunding campaign, but I wasn’t very optimistic. However I actually ended up receiving more than what I asked for. No words can explain how much grateful I feel for receiving that much love and support. That feeling remains in my heart even now.
I still remember how my heart jumped then bounced uncontrollably every time I got message saying that “I don’t have much but you need it more than I do now”. I was crying and smiling and feeling sad at the same time. I wasn’t so sure whether I deserved to receive all the love. I wasn’t so sure that I could be a good investment. What if I disappoint others? In the end I somehow managed to stop questioning my worth. I told myself that I’d just give it a try, try my best. It’d be the only way to express my gratitude to all individuals deciding to “invested” in me. And I am very grateful that I’m surrounded by people who are willing to show how much they believe in me and never let me doubt about my abilities even though I wasn’t able to see it in myself.
What is beyond words? - In the inconvenience, I found the glimpse of the unspoken love and care.
Staying in Hangzhou for almost 10 days, I had the feeling of being home in a strange city for the first time. I felt calmer and more peaceful when I saw trees everywhere, breathing the fresh air. It’s strange to learn that there are connections somewhere that you didn’t know they existed. For me, I appreciated that I had a chance to connect with places and people in Hangzhou that I felt belonging. I found a part of me there, probably a part of the person that I want to be. I’m still unsure about the future, about what may change. But at least, in some moments, I was happy there.
Although falling in love with the city, I felt disconnected with people at first because of the language barrier. I love to seek for inspiration through conversations. However there weren’t many people speaking English in Hangzhou. Most of the time, I hardly had any idea of what was happening. I couldn’t even take care of my basic needs such as taking care of my own lunch. It was kind of uncomfortable to rely on others. I felt guilty for not speaking Mandarin, and I was afraid of causing too much trouble for others again. But my heart melted to later learn that everyone was secretly taking care of my every step.
I found myself trying to learn to live in the discomfort and to wait for the unknown. Eventually I found myself get attracted to all the discomfort. I learned how uncomfortable and beautiful it was. And I found myself searching for the meaning behind the contradiction.
What is my biggest lesson? - I guess I’ve found the meaning of what I’m pursuing and the bittersweet of being in the unknown.
I’ve always loved drawing, and expressing myself through images. The urge to do this even speaks louder to me now after the training. It’s ironic that I hear it speaks to me so true and so loud that it makes me want to shut down. For a moment I wished that it’s not true. But I think it the sign saying that it’s even more meaningful for me to draw now than it was.
During the training I learned about how to scribe and what to listen which where a little bit too much for me to fully understand in such a short time. I was fed up with all the learnings. I wanted to learn so much and I didn’t feel like I had learned anything. My brain and body filled up with hesitation. It was really uncomfortable for me to not understand things that were supposed to be very meaningful to me.
But I didn’t know what else I could do then. So I found myself trying to learn to live in the discomfort and to wait for the unknown. Eventually I found myself get attracted to all the discomfort. I learned how uncomfortable and beautiful it was. And I found myself searching for the meaning behind the contradiction. I found myself being more open to what would come next. I found myself excitedly preparing to get surprised from the unknown.
Sometimes I got amazed by how I found new answers for things that I didn’t realise that I hadn’t known. I think the discomfort was the invitation for me to open myself up to see from different perspective. Having this experience for me is privilege. I’m grateful that many people responded to my open letter, so I could have the chance to learn and to be able to find myself.
What’s next?
The other day, we had a small gathering of AOH community in Hanoi and some of my AOH friends said that I looked more confident. I think I’m not. I’m just more clear about who I want to be. And the way I view graphic facilitation isn’t the same anymore. It’s more like a mission to me now, and I’m just a beginner. The training didn’t make me become an expert in Graphic Facilitation. However, it helped me to become a more conscious practitioner. I believe it will take a while for me to really embody all the essence that I’ve learnt in Hangzhou, But I eager to get my hands dirty, to take action, to fail from trying so I can learn about what may be the right fit for me, and to listen to what wants to come.
My crowdfunding event: https://www.facebook.com/events/1476591232422092/
The Presencing Institute: https://www.presencing.org/
